The Scenery Echos His Heart.........or Shadows are Existence?

Stuck at home again today...this weather is unbelievable.

Yet I don’t want too complain too much because all of this snow and ice is God at work.

As I drove around today, I gasp and said "Oh Look" to a fallen tree or water covering the road, I just could not help but wandered if God sent it to slow us down. Is this his way of wanting us to take that deep breathe, maybe stop to see what we have around us or see something that we have not been wanting to see. Make us recognize life as it is before us, what it was or maybe what it holds for us in the future. Maybe even force us to spend time with our loved ones....something so many do not do. Make us appreciate our life, our family and Him.

He is so funny you know, how things happen and we are so mad and so frustrated at the outcome this weather has caused, poor road conditions, closed facilities and delays, all causing people from getting to work which in turn means smaller pay checks, that not to mention in these current times, could cause a whole ripple effect of problems, yet He knows!

So we must continue to believe that every beautiful snow flake and every freezing rain droplet is from his heart and it is sent for a reason.




Just now I stopped typing for a second at the beckoning of my son who is lying in the living on the couch without a care in the world and completely 100% enjoying his snow day. I looked at him and smiled, thinking and wishing to be as he, so care free and debonair. While on my way back, I stopped to look out the window. I sat in awe at the beautiful scenery. It’s simply amazing.

As I continue to clamber with my words........

I have to say this blog was actually opened to write about something completely different and honestly it was about another frustration that I have in this complicated life of mine right now, but as I started typing these words just came and I will assume they were meant to be shared.

While you all are probably saying she is not the holiest of people, you are correct! Yet, please know God is engraved into my very seams and lives in the deepest of my heart and the very depths of my soul.

May the time this weather has granted be a great time of reflection and healing for you!

In awe at His ability,

Shannyn

My envision.....That faded so quickly!

To have all these hopes and dreams of your very own home..are simply amazing....its like this nervous twist in the pits of your stomach because you know this will be one of the biggest things you ever do in your life and yet has to be one of the scariest things to date.

I even went as far as driving around when I got off work looking and calling about lots.....mapping out just where my porch would come out to and where girls swing set would be, as well as the concrete loop drive that would allow room for a miniature basketball court for the boy!

WOW....to have all that die as quickly as it was possible..well it was devastating...and that word probably doesn't do my feelings justice.

That day....I sat at my desk staring at the computer screen wishing the e-mail from my financial advisor was just a fabric of my imagination. I swallowed hard and carried on about my day and my business that needed to be handled. I couldn't dwell on my problems because I have 32 names in front of me that need me to be at work for them because they are unable...so my life and problems have to wait. Every phone call, every note, and visit I had..I couldn't seem to want it to be as fast as possible....my mind rambling trying to figure some tactic to get the student loan people to remove my late payment record off of my credit report. Honestly not really paying attention to my work at all...I was consumed by devastation and asking myself "now what?".

So before I have to be home....I give my self some time at the end of the day to pick up the phone and try to bargain with Nelnet about my late payments. I call and talk to a gentlemen that sounded young enough to be my son...I pleaded with every ounce of my soul. &Nothing! And with no compassion....

he said "Mam did you have anymore questions?"

I politely said no and excused my self from the phone call...

got up from my desk...

shut my office door.....

returned to my seat..and lost it!

I cried uncontrollably. Trying to get my head together.....to just stop thinking about it...! Trying to suck it up and pull myself together....

my GOSH...I kept saying...WHY?

Finally I composed myself just enough to leave the office. Dried up my face went around to my supervisors office to say a quick goodbye..hoping no one wanted to talk. Walked to my car with my head down hoping not to see anyone from work because I was SURE my face was soo red! Got in the car.....got out of the parking garage and seriously lost it again!

Texting my friend Ashley back and forth....she is encouraging me...telling me Shannyn your so strong....but I am so tired of being strong! So tired of figuring everything out, so tired of making everything work, so tired of taking care of everything. I used to pity those women who sat in the corner and would not take charge or stand up for themselves or stood behind their man never saying a word.

In this very moment I wanted so desperately to be one of those women.

Exhausted...I am exhausted! So tired mentally and drained physically. Not sure in what direction to go next....I am at the bottom right...(?) Isn't the only other direction...up(?)

"MAN"...... **while I am breathing heavily**

I don't wanna be the rock anymore...I just wish someone would understand...and I wander if outsiders see it....?

My face has many lines and my pain and exhaustion are etched into everyone of them....

AND every time I stand in front of a mirror my face tells my story over and over...the long road in which I have traveled and the one I am still on!

May God carry me on.....

I thought I was ready to move on to that next chapter in my life....well I'm guessing God just doesn't see that I am. & Who am I to question......

Sorrow on my face

Hope in my heart

Grace in my step

I will continue reach for whatever is out there......

Remember Me,

SHANNYN

I Read the Words...you Wrote...From his HEART!

I thought about you and your family today. To be quite honest, you were present in my thoughts more often than not during the Holidays. My heart gets so heavy when I think and try to imagine what your heart has endured. Not sure what to say or the right time to call or e-mail and say it. You have become by far my greatest hero. How strong you are and how heavy your heart must be. What great pain to carry and how hard it must be to wander it away.

Many nights I would find myself glued to this computer reading your words while tears stream down my face, wishing and praying that in the next sentence to read "and they said he would be OK". Compelled by your character, your braveness and your warm embrace. I admire you for never showing a weakness and the ability you had to see the light in such darkness. May I only have half the faith as you one day.

May God be with you...and BLESS you!

And always know I think of you, pray for you and O how Ryan loves you everyday!

He ask and thinks of you all the time.

Grabs me, hugs me with all his strength and still ask why.

You have touched us more than one can imagine, inspired us, and allowed us to see Love that surpasses any boundary.

In our Prays,

Shannyn

Scarlett Fever...to now WHAT?..Help!

In early November my oldest daughter had Scarlet Fever! Went to the doctor 3 times before we got an accurate diagnosis and the right medication. The rash that accompanies Scarlett Fever never left my daughters body. I have been told she will have to out grow the rash and it will possibly scar......

Over the course of some weeks the rash has become worse, even raised off her skin and now spreading to her legs, arms, face, neck!!! Has this rash turned into something else? Has your low immunity allowed another vicious culprit in her little body. I have googled rashes, toddler rashes, viral rashes, eczema and I cannot find anything that looks exactly like this. I am at wits end. The rash does not seem to be bothering her to very much. She did wake up around 4am this morning complaining and asking me to take her onesie off. I have been soaking her down with pure Vaseline every night and that doesn't even seem to help!!!!

So back to the doctor again tomorrow....I guess!!

If anyone has any ideas about what this may be..PLEASE comment!!

Shannyn

The New Year...and The Treasures to Come!

Today is so blah, but the NEW YEAR has been blissful.....

I am excited about the New Year!

The new day, the new light, and the suspense on what the days will bring....

I like it!

Often times I find myself just sitting and pondering what will come next..throughout my life I have been fortunate to have things happen in my favor, but in saying that: more times than not things really have never worked out. In my ripe old age of 30 I have fought tooth and nail to survive and surpass any and every statistic I have been labeled. And I have been many statistics and fit into many categories; high school drop-out, teenage mother, single mother, jobless, welfare, food stamps, abusive boyfriend, kicked out of my home, and been on drugs! Name it, I have been IT...but in that same BREATH...I BEAT them!! Success is great in my life right not! Thus, everyday is a battle!!...Trying hard to keep that success and everyday there is at least one moment where I just want to throw up my hands and give up. Then, I turn my heard......to sound of 6 feet scampering behind me, and ever so quickly do I remember that they are worth any amount of heap that I have to face at anytime in any day.

Everyday I thank GOD for everything...I have come along way and see so many people around me loosing their jobs, homes and wandering how they will feed their children. Times are so hard for everyone right now, but still I stay strong to keep this crazy world from taking my SANITY!! We will survive and I will continue to do what I can to provide for my family and any loved ones that I can.

THANKFUL!!!!

I have to admit when I write it....it is so much easier for me to feel it, believe it, and mean it!!!

& I will........Make myself be just that!

Shannyn