To have all these hopes and dreams of your very own home..are simply amazing....its like this nervous twist in the pits of your stomach because you know this will be one of the biggest things you ever do in your life and yet has to be one of the scariest things to date.
I even went as far as driving around when I got off work looking and calling about lots.....mapping out just where my porch would come out to and where girls swing set would be, as well as the concrete loop drive that would allow room for a miniature basketball court for the boy!
WOW....to have all that die as quickly as it was possible..well it was devastating...and that word probably doesn't do my feelings justice.
That day....I sat at my desk staring at the computer screen wishing the e-mail from my financial advisor was just a fabric of my imagination. I swallowed hard and carried on about my day and my business that needed to be handled. I couldn't dwell on my problems because I have 32 names in front of me that need me to be at work for them because they are unable...so my life and problems have to wait. Every phone call, every note, and visit I had..I couldn't seem to want it to be as fast as possible....my mind rambling trying to figure some tactic to get the student loan people to remove my late payment record off of my credit report. Honestly not really paying attention to my work at all...I was consumed by devastation and asking myself "now what?".
So before I have to be home....I give my self some time at the end of the day to pick up the phone and try to bargain with Nelnet about my late payments. I call and talk to a gentlemen that sounded young enough to be my son...I pleaded with every ounce of my soul. &Nothing! And with no compassion....
he said "Mam did you have anymore questions?"
I politely said no and excused my self from the phone call...
got up from my desk...
shut my office door.....
returned to my seat..and lost it!
I cried uncontrollably. Trying to get my head together.....to just stop thinking about it...! Trying to suck it up and pull myself together....
my GOSH...I kept saying...WHY?
Finally I composed myself just enough to leave the office. Dried up my face went around to my supervisors office to say a quick goodbye..hoping no one wanted to talk. Walked to my car with my head down hoping not to see anyone from work because I was SURE my face was soo red! Got in the car.....got out of the parking garage and seriously lost it again!
Texting my friend Ashley back and forth....she is encouraging me...telling me Shannyn your so strong....but I am so tired of being strong! So tired of figuring everything out, so tired of making everything work, so tired of taking care of everything. I used to pity those women who sat in the corner and would not take charge or stand up for themselves or stood behind their man never saying a word.
In this very moment I wanted so desperately to be one of those women.
Exhausted...I am exhausted! So tired mentally and drained physically. Not sure in what direction to go next....I am at the bottom right...(?) Isn't the only other direction...up(?)
"MAN"...... **while I am breathing heavily**
I don't wanna be the rock anymore...I just wish someone would understand...and I wander if outsiders see it....?
My face has many lines and my pain and exhaustion are etched into everyone of them....
AND every time I stand in front of a mirror my face tells my story over and over...the long road in which I have traveled and the one I am still on!
May God carry me on.....
I thought I was ready to move on to that next chapter in my life....well I'm guessing God just doesn't see that I am. & Who am I to question......
Sorrow on my face
Hope in my heart
Grace in my step
I will continue reach for whatever is out there......
Remember Me,
SHANNYN
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