As the page turns......My World seems to have Frozen

I'm not sure if I ever dreamed of fairy tale endings, because I cannot remember ever standing and looking in a mirror and dreaming of this perfect life. I just did the normal stuff, played tag for endless hours, dressed Barbie in every outfit she ever dreamed of having, and went swimming . Oh to feel that joy and that laughter again. Its hard to recover that joy, right now, not sure If I am just to old to remember or have just become so broken over time....

I've found new joys over the years, those I have shared with my children, or through their joy I experinced a peace within myself, that completes me for a moment. Yet, still Feeling lost and uncertain....I crave and desire to have that joy again....Life is so full of decisions and over and over I am told to not look back, dont question your decisions, there is a reason for every season, God brought you here, you will grow from this and become stronger.....and as I am well aware of this, but what if I am just too tired to continue, now left without words for that prayer, or just simply out of hope......then how do you supose I turn around and move foward? A question I ask myself daily, with smoke n hand...sitting waiting desperately looking for a sign, or to hear a gentle wisper telling me to keep believing, seeing, and feeling life's worth. .......so as it is...Im lost and feeling broken.

Pray for me if you will that I regain my faith, and find my place in this moment............

Forever Young,

Shannyn

The Scenery Echos His Heart.........or Shadows are Existence?

Stuck at home again today...this weather is unbelievable.

Yet I don’t want too complain too much because all of this snow and ice is God at work.

As I drove around today, I gasp and said "Oh Look" to a fallen tree or water covering the road, I just could not help but wandered if God sent it to slow us down. Is this his way of wanting us to take that deep breathe, maybe stop to see what we have around us or see something that we have not been wanting to see. Make us recognize life as it is before us, what it was or maybe what it holds for us in the future. Maybe even force us to spend time with our loved ones....something so many do not do. Make us appreciate our life, our family and Him.

He is so funny you know, how things happen and we are so mad and so frustrated at the outcome this weather has caused, poor road conditions, closed facilities and delays, all causing people from getting to work which in turn means smaller pay checks, that not to mention in these current times, could cause a whole ripple effect of problems, yet He knows!

So we must continue to believe that every beautiful snow flake and every freezing rain droplet is from his heart and it is sent for a reason.




Just now I stopped typing for a second at the beckoning of my son who is lying in the living on the couch without a care in the world and completely 100% enjoying his snow day. I looked at him and smiled, thinking and wishing to be as he, so care free and debonair. While on my way back, I stopped to look out the window. I sat in awe at the beautiful scenery. It’s simply amazing.

As I continue to clamber with my words........

I have to say this blog was actually opened to write about something completely different and honestly it was about another frustration that I have in this complicated life of mine right now, but as I started typing these words just came and I will assume they were meant to be shared.

While you all are probably saying she is not the holiest of people, you are correct! Yet, please know God is engraved into my very seams and lives in the deepest of my heart and the very depths of my soul.

May the time this weather has granted be a great time of reflection and healing for you!

In awe at His ability,

Shannyn

My envision.....That faded so quickly!

To have all these hopes and dreams of your very own home..are simply amazing....its like this nervous twist in the pits of your stomach because you know this will be one of the biggest things you ever do in your life and yet has to be one of the scariest things to date.

I even went as far as driving around when I got off work looking and calling about lots.....mapping out just where my porch would come out to and where girls swing set would be, as well as the concrete loop drive that would allow room for a miniature basketball court for the boy!

WOW....to have all that die as quickly as it was possible..well it was devastating...and that word probably doesn't do my feelings justice.

That day....I sat at my desk staring at the computer screen wishing the e-mail from my financial advisor was just a fabric of my imagination. I swallowed hard and carried on about my day and my business that needed to be handled. I couldn't dwell on my problems because I have 32 names in front of me that need me to be at work for them because they are unable...so my life and problems have to wait. Every phone call, every note, and visit I had..I couldn't seem to want it to be as fast as possible....my mind rambling trying to figure some tactic to get the student loan people to remove my late payment record off of my credit report. Honestly not really paying attention to my work at all...I was consumed by devastation and asking myself "now what?".

So before I have to be home....I give my self some time at the end of the day to pick up the phone and try to bargain with Nelnet about my late payments. I call and talk to a gentlemen that sounded young enough to be my son...I pleaded with every ounce of my soul. &Nothing! And with no compassion....

he said "Mam did you have anymore questions?"

I politely said no and excused my self from the phone call...

got up from my desk...

shut my office door.....

returned to my seat..and lost it!

I cried uncontrollably. Trying to get my head together.....to just stop thinking about it...! Trying to suck it up and pull myself together....

my GOSH...I kept saying...WHY?

Finally I composed myself just enough to leave the office. Dried up my face went around to my supervisors office to say a quick goodbye..hoping no one wanted to talk. Walked to my car with my head down hoping not to see anyone from work because I was SURE my face was soo red! Got in the car.....got out of the parking garage and seriously lost it again!

Texting my friend Ashley back and forth....she is encouraging me...telling me Shannyn your so strong....but I am so tired of being strong! So tired of figuring everything out, so tired of making everything work, so tired of taking care of everything. I used to pity those women who sat in the corner and would not take charge or stand up for themselves or stood behind their man never saying a word.

In this very moment I wanted so desperately to be one of those women.

Exhausted...I am exhausted! So tired mentally and drained physically. Not sure in what direction to go next....I am at the bottom right...(?) Isn't the only other direction...up(?)

"MAN"...... **while I am breathing heavily**

I don't wanna be the rock anymore...I just wish someone would understand...and I wander if outsiders see it....?

My face has many lines and my pain and exhaustion are etched into everyone of them....

AND every time I stand in front of a mirror my face tells my story over and over...the long road in which I have traveled and the one I am still on!

May God carry me on.....

I thought I was ready to move on to that next chapter in my life....well I'm guessing God just doesn't see that I am. & Who am I to question......

Sorrow on my face

Hope in my heart

Grace in my step

I will continue reach for whatever is out there......

Remember Me,

SHANNYN

I Read the Words...you Wrote...From his HEART!

I thought about you and your family today. To be quite honest, you were present in my thoughts more often than not during the Holidays. My heart gets so heavy when I think and try to imagine what your heart has endured. Not sure what to say or the right time to call or e-mail and say it. You have become by far my greatest hero. How strong you are and how heavy your heart must be. What great pain to carry and how hard it must be to wander it away.

Many nights I would find myself glued to this computer reading your words while tears stream down my face, wishing and praying that in the next sentence to read "and they said he would be OK". Compelled by your character, your braveness and your warm embrace. I admire you for never showing a weakness and the ability you had to see the light in such darkness. May I only have half the faith as you one day.

May God be with you...and BLESS you!

And always know I think of you, pray for you and O how Ryan loves you everyday!

He ask and thinks of you all the time.

Grabs me, hugs me with all his strength and still ask why.

You have touched us more than one can imagine, inspired us, and allowed us to see Love that surpasses any boundary.

In our Prays,

Shannyn

Scarlett Fever...to now WHAT?..Help!

In early November my oldest daughter had Scarlet Fever! Went to the doctor 3 times before we got an accurate diagnosis and the right medication. The rash that accompanies Scarlett Fever never left my daughters body. I have been told she will have to out grow the rash and it will possibly scar......

Over the course of some weeks the rash has become worse, even raised off her skin and now spreading to her legs, arms, face, neck!!! Has this rash turned into something else? Has your low immunity allowed another vicious culprit in her little body. I have googled rashes, toddler rashes, viral rashes, eczema and I cannot find anything that looks exactly like this. I am at wits end. The rash does not seem to be bothering her to very much. She did wake up around 4am this morning complaining and asking me to take her onesie off. I have been soaking her down with pure Vaseline every night and that doesn't even seem to help!!!!

So back to the doctor again tomorrow....I guess!!

If anyone has any ideas about what this may be..PLEASE comment!!

Shannyn

The New Year...and The Treasures to Come!

Today is so blah, but the NEW YEAR has been blissful.....

I am excited about the New Year!

The new day, the new light, and the suspense on what the days will bring....

I like it!

Often times I find myself just sitting and pondering what will come next..throughout my life I have been fortunate to have things happen in my favor, but in saying that: more times than not things really have never worked out. In my ripe old age of 30 I have fought tooth and nail to survive and surpass any and every statistic I have been labeled. And I have been many statistics and fit into many categories; high school drop-out, teenage mother, single mother, jobless, welfare, food stamps, abusive boyfriend, kicked out of my home, and been on drugs! Name it, I have been IT...but in that same BREATH...I BEAT them!! Success is great in my life right not! Thus, everyday is a battle!!...Trying hard to keep that success and everyday there is at least one moment where I just want to throw up my hands and give up. Then, I turn my heard......to sound of 6 feet scampering behind me, and ever so quickly do I remember that they are worth any amount of heap that I have to face at anytime in any day.

Everyday I thank GOD for everything...I have come along way and see so many people around me loosing their jobs, homes and wandering how they will feed their children. Times are so hard for everyone right now, but still I stay strong to keep this crazy world from taking my SANITY!! We will survive and I will continue to do what I can to provide for my family and any loved ones that I can.

THANKFUL!!!!

I have to admit when I write it....it is so much easier for me to feel it, believe it, and mean it!!!

& I will........Make myself be just that!

Shannyn

WOW, it's X-mas again already....

TODAY.....I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO START!!

Well I guess I have to take you back a few days!

Work has been crazy..., my husband and I work completely different schedules and now he is helping coach with the men's team here, so even more time away. So where was I to find time to shop or he for that matter. It seemed as if I couldn't get motivated and was plagued with the "BA humbug" attitude or just didn't have the money when I wanted to go shopping or saw something in Walmart. ;-)
Then today approaches and I have almost NOTHING ready.

No turkey,

no side dishes,

no wrapping paper,

no picture with Santa,

no stocking stuffer,

no tape,

no cookies or carrots for Santa and his Reindeer...

you name it we didn't have it. So at 3pm after the girls napped and we all got dressed we head out the door and out loud I reminded myself; after looking at the time on my cell phone that it was Christmas eve....frantically I start calling and txting just to make sure we had time.

Yes, everything I needed to do stopped doing it at 6pm. I had 3 hours to get to the mall, stand in line for a photo, pick up some last minute things, and go to Walmart to get all the food I needed for our Christmas dinner.....If only we had a camera crew following us.

& If you know my family you can only envision what words cannot convey. I must say we were doing good until we arrived at Walmart at 5:30pm........

This is where it took a turn. Over the intercom continuously they are saying "Our store will be closing at 6pm so our associated can spend time with their families." Then a few minutes later "Our doors have closed no more entry and our store will be promptly closing in 15 minutes. All the while we are still frantically looking for things we need...J is whining and screaming, Ryan is mad and pouting and not answering me because he wants a "JOKER" poster right NOW....Peanut is chilling in the cart all leaned back probably wandering where there is room for her in all this caos..bless her heart!! SO with all of this and the announcements I could not think...& to top it off this lil guy walks up to us and says if you are not in line in 5 minutes you will not be checked out...HOLY KUNUDRA....sooooo that only meant one thing....TEAM ALPHA...BREAK...! I start running in one direction pushing J, yelling at the top of my lungs for Ryan..hence no time to walk around and look for him...(BTW he was totally embarrassed)..my husband the other way with Peanut looking frantically for what we needed! Ryan runs ahead and yells out...."6 MOM 6"!! We both run to the register as if a race to the finish line and HI5 and claim our victory....

But so quick after we made it to the car did we realize that we had forgotten so many things....LOL

I still cannot help but laugh.

Thankfully Family Dollar stayed open till 7...!

I have written so much already but I absolutely could not go to sleep without writing, my mind is just racing with so many things.

All in all this year is such a bitter sweet Christmas....I am trying so desperately to help my son hang on to the magic in Christmas...hoping he will give me one more year of believing in Santa. I know and he knows that there isn't some fat man in a red suit that comes in our house while we sleep.....but after all he is my baby....and It is so hard to let that go.

He asked me over and over tonight if he could help me with the girls stuff or if I needed help, and every time I turned it down. I even put my middle child to sleep and went to lay with him, trying to make him believe...but after awhile he just said mom don't lay in here and fall asleep you will forget to put the presents under the tree. My heart ached so.

& Then there is J who is just now entering into the magic of Christmas. Who today at the mall saw Santa and was completely and utterly unsure, but as soon as daddy sat her in Santa's arms she knew she was in love. How could someone be so warm and cozy her little face displayed. I just felt so warm inside just to see such innocence. All the while Peanut is screaming for deal life and not wanting a thing to do with that scary looking old man.

I smiled with delight as our picture got printed off, though. The photo was so family defining and we matched....accident(?)...YES! I was absolutely not dressed for a photo this evening and honestly wanted it to just be the kids. Yet, Ryan told me time and time again that there was NO WAY he was getting his picture made with Santa, and also kept reminding me that we had a deal that last year would be the last. AND ooooo how he came thru for his sister when she was in need...and that made him so much more special to her and to me. She clinged to him and felt confident again that everything was going to be alright. And looked beautiful in the photo.

I wanted to sleep but my husband is still wrapping gifts at this weeee hour, so I thought I would save him some trouble and more hours awake and prep his Turkey and stuffing for tomorrow...it was the least!

Well with that I guess all that's left to say is.....

Merry Christmas...& to all a Goodnight!

SHANNYN

Will the New Day....bring Peace of Mind?

My mind is so busy with thoughts

My body is exhausted

and my heart so heavy.

My mind races of to-do list, what I can't afford for Christmas morning, and why I always push people away and end up alone

I have worked and ran my body till I believe it knows no rest.

Not sure if I am hurting for me, my kids, or just all of man kind.

I wanted to cry more than once today, but realized that I would just be sitting in self pity and really for what?

Life seems to go by so fast these days, lacking substance, genuineness and most importantly LOVE.

We scramble together of the morning and drop the kids off at school or daycare then off to work to make a difference...?
Or to just makes ends meet?

I ramble with my words, not even sure if I know what I want from life, think about myself, or know anymore.......
maybe its just sleep deprivation...




Maybe tomorrows sunrise will bring a better day.....Goodnight!


Thank You God for my FAMILY and LIFE! I know that even though I'm down, you will see me through!

Shannyn

We Are Surviving So Far...

My FAMILY is COUNTING on my VOTE in the 2008 ELECTION!!!

OBAMA08
(Monday, November 3, 2008 at 2:51pm)

I am a true believer of FREEDOM OF CHOICE.....and OPINION!! YET I must say the world has GONE BAD...not as if you hadn't noticed! So really with all the speculation about OBAMA what seriously would we have to LOOSE if he became President of the United States! We are already killing our sick, kicking our poor people on the streets, and telling our children that struggle with learning they are NOT important enough to teach! I don’t even have to pull my files from work to give you examples of how the AMERICAN DREAM is a thing of the past. I can start right here at home! I have a family of 5. Myself, my silly husband and our three children; Ryan the sk8a, J the wild one, & Peanut the princess! I graduated from college a couple of years ago, am now working as a social worker. I recently went from working full-time to working part-time.

For reasons out of my control: Our daughter, which most of you already know has VSD a condition with her heart. She sees her Cardiologists once a month. Each visit requires a chest X-ray and every three visits require an Echocardiogram. The Insurance thru my work cost me 859.00 a month &30% co-pay at each visit!!! I got paid bi-monthly and that sum, if coming out of one check left my family & I $5.00! NO EXAGERASION!!!! That left the other check for our bills such asDaycare ($200.00 wk)Car insuranceUtilitiesGroceries30% co-pay(s)Any school related expenses for both my son and husbandLeaving my family with the BARE MINIMUM and NO EXTRAS...!!!! At the end of the working month I was -$34.00..! I was paying the government to utilize my college degree.

Now working at a fraction of that we still seem to come out a little ahead. My children our now able to receive medical assistance through the government which eliminates my medical insurance cost & co-pays. So in short I was FORCED to work part-time in order for my family to be able to survive, literally!!HA! At our last doctors appointment with Aryanna I asked Dr. Heydarian if he could schedule her surgery before November 4th 2008! He laughed at me, but he knew exactly where I was going with that question.............

**The first thing McCain & Palin plan to do is CUT Medicaid and all its counter parts. Palin says she wants families to be able to pay for there own health insurance.**

HOW?? Maybe those families that don’t have health issues. Shoot even a regular visit to the family doctor with your co-pay would be 20.00-25.00. You have seen my figures where am I supposed to find that money. Not pay my water bill that month?? Hey I’m not one of those lucky families that the government just paid off the debt to my YACHT!!

I was so tired of struggling when I was a single mother with Ryan, so I went to college thinking my family could then thrive. ............

Yet have been proven that my idea of thriving is now MY reality of SURVIVING!

What’s going on is REAL!

It worries me that soooo MANY people are letting "Islamofacism" be the base for their vote this year which is hindering them from seeing other MAINSTREAM ISSUES that are going on and could be become real problems of the future!!

But it will be what is destined to be.

GOD knows our future...and the President he has already been determined and I will take whatever comes my way.

We will adapt to our surroundings, protect our children (even when the government wont) and SURVIVE!!

But I will know longer (after RESEARCHING) let being torn between exercising right to affect change and not voting weigh me down because I haven’t felt strongly about either. But today I tell YOU……………………………BARRACK HUSSEIN OBAMA HAS MY VOTE!!ELECTION 2008!!

Shannyn